Having Nothing by Rumi (translation Coleman Barks)

dancing dervish

Whatever comes, comes from a need,
a sore distress, a hurting want.

Mary's pain made the baby Jesus.
Her womb opened its lips
and spoke the Word.

Every part of you has a secret language.
Your hands and your feet say what you have done.

Every need brings in what's needed.
Pain bears its cure like a child.

Having nothing produces provisions.
Ask a difficult question,
and the marvelous answer appears.

Build a ship, and there will be water
to float it.  The tender-throated infant cries,
and milk drips from the mother's breast.

Be thirsty for the ultimate water.
Then be ready for what will come
pouring from the spring.

This poem comes from the book A Year with Rumi by Coleman Barks.  I love this selection from May 22nd reading and I adore a little Rumi everyday...like vitamins for the soul.  Hardship brings the necessary healing.  This message makes life's hardships seem more purposeful.  Reminds me to have my "Biggie Gulp" cup ready at that spring.

silver buckets

To be in this world with you is a glorious thing.

I long to tell you about my hearts longing, my love, my connection to you and to all things here in this world and the next one too.

words used to come to me like a soft summer rain,

regular and gentle

I could easily gather them up in my mind in so many small silver buckets

then I would sort them lovingly into meaningful phrases that told my heart's story. 

Now, my heart lives in this beautiful place of overflowing love and gratitude. 

 The words are coming but so they are so inadequate for this kind of overflowing joy.  I don't have enough silver buckets in my mind. 

So... Don't worry about the words, my love.  Just come close and hold my hand, let's watch this love storm together, and share our hearts stories with no words.

a prayer

Let us be Grateful God

for our Daily Abundance
of Love and Nourishment

Our every need taken care of--
just like the sparrows

Thank you for this nourishment you have lovingly provided
from tiny seeds and sun and rain,

thank you for the farmers and the cooks who lovingly present your gifts to us. 
May we show our Gratitude by transforming this nourishment into Love again.

Erasure

This is a poem from 2007,  deep despair about the girl I lost...Me

Last year,
God tried to erase me
 but for some reason changed His mind.

a useless dark smudge on paper is
all that remains
the faint lines providing hints
of who stood here before.

When making corrections, First, please make the erasure complete.

Mamaw in a dream

My Mamaw came to me in a dream last night, as if for a visit and she brought me a basket of corn bread, still warm with butter inside, just like I like.  My Mamaw, so welcoming and so nourishing, and I could feel that unconditional love.  When I woke, I felt a bit overwhelmed when I thought of all the love and care I've received for no reason at all.  So much love that I can hardly take it all in.  God's love is like that.  Like warm cornbread with the butter already put inside by your sweet Grandma.  a nontraditional analogy for God's love but the one given to me in my dream.

Black crows

I keep looking up at the sky thinking that I see a flock of crows or something flying past.

It is just my eyes doing their radiation tricks- new vision- different vision

Little black holes- areas of empty space
where I can fly and be free
free of worries
because nothing matters
I am nothing but a bit of matter
returning to dust slowly over time
the vision occurs in the empty space
Black holes of time---

gifted to me again today.

yoga magic

Yoga is a delight!  The process and the results!  Delight is exactly what I feel when I'm shaking from exertion but still I can do it!  I can move my body and I can follow directions.  I'm getting stronger all the time.  Not that long ago I had difficulty making coffee because it was hard to remember the steps or to follow the directions.  I had to use a to-go cup because I couldn't pick up a real one without shaking and spilling it everywhere.  The first time I drank coffee out of a ceramic mug at the coffee shop my Mom had tears in her eyes because I could drink it like any other coffee junkie.  I can read grown up books now and play sudoku.  They said my brain damage was permanent, but they were wrong.  I'm not like I was, but I'm way better!!  I bow to my Yoga teacher for her assistance in this road to wellness.  Namaste.  (which means, the Light in me sees and honors the Light in you)

teenage years

So, I'm counting on the fact that my daughter doesn't read this blog.  so if you know her, for goodness sake don't tell her I'm talking about her here.  She said before that I can't put her picture on here and I can't use her name...so I am honoring that request.  now that the disclaimer is done...

My daughter is now 16 and a junior in high school.  I can see her fast approaching adulthood and leaving me so very soon.  I'm starting to have anxiety about if I prepared her well enough for the world.  When she was 8 years old, I taught her how to use the microwave and do laundry out of necessity, (she seems to have lost these skills as I have become more able to do it for her).  Since then there has always been a component of our relationship where she has taken care of me.   Mostly, I regret this, because as the Mom I feel like I didn't do my job as well as I would have liked,,,but also I try to remember that God chose me to be her Mom so maybe it was what she needed in life.  So..I was reading my journal entry from her 13th birthday to see if I had any wisdom to offer.
 "She was born 13 years ago today on a day much like this one, cold and rainy.  I remember holding her for the first time, all slippery and warm and how her tiny bottom fit in my hand so perfectly.  I struggled to turn her around so I could see her face as she was still attached via the umbilical cord.  I couldn't get her close enough until she was separate from me.   Her face all contorted with crying--so beautiful in her perfection.  Screaming--I'm here!  I'm here!  We are so glad you've come I whispered into her tiny perfect curving ear." 

So, the wisdom I see today is that line about "I couldn't get her close enough until she was separate from me."  This is our goal as parents, that they will one day fly without us.  She is here and grown into a beautiful and perfect as possible young woman, because of my mothering or in-spite of it.  It pains me still that separateness required and I hope there is not too much struggle for either of us as this naturally unfolds.  I plan to keep telling her how glad I am she came to this world as my daughter

Beauty and love

The following is a quote from Stealing Benefacio's Roses by Martin Prechtel.  If you haven't read anything by him...you will enjoy the beauty of his words and his descriptions of otherworldly things as well as this world. 
"It is about how long it takes to become a human being.  It seems to say that humans are most useful to the Universe when they are blessing, especially when the unblessed become the blessers and when humans give their gifts to what they can't see;  when they turn the failure and grief of their losses into

life-giving beauty and when they are in love"

We all have losses and grief and we all have the capacity to bless others and to love.

This being human, is challenging and beautiful and I'm so glad to be here now.