yoga magic

Yoga is a delight!  The process and the results!  Delight is exactly what I feel when I'm shaking from exertion but still I can do it!  I can move my body and I can follow directions.  I'm getting stronger all the time.  Not that long ago I had difficulty making coffee because it was hard to remember the steps or to follow the directions.  I had to use a to-go cup because I couldn't pick up a real one without shaking and spilling it everywhere.  The first time I drank coffee out of a ceramic mug at the coffee shop my Mom had tears in her eyes because I could drink it like any other coffee junkie.  I can read grown up books now and play sudoku.  They said my brain damage was permanent, but they were wrong.  I'm not like I was, but I'm way better!!  I bow to my Yoga teacher for her assistance in this road to wellness.  Namaste.  (which means, the Light in me sees and honors the Light in you)

teenage years

So, I'm counting on the fact that my daughter doesn't read this blog.  so if you know her, for goodness sake don't tell her I'm talking about her here.  She said before that I can't put her picture on here and I can't use her name...so I am honoring that request.  now that the disclaimer is done...

My daughter is now 16 and a junior in high school.  I can see her fast approaching adulthood and leaving me so very soon.  I'm starting to have anxiety about if I prepared her well enough for the world.  When she was 8 years old, I taught her how to use the microwave and do laundry out of necessity, (she seems to have lost these skills as I have become more able to do it for her).  Since then there has always been a component of our relationship where she has taken care of me.   Mostly, I regret this, because as the Mom I feel like I didn't do my job as well as I would have liked,,,but also I try to remember that God chose me to be her Mom so maybe it was what she needed in life.  So..I was reading my journal entry from her 13th birthday to see if I had any wisdom to offer.
 "She was born 13 years ago today on a day much like this one, cold and rainy.  I remember holding her for the first time, all slippery and warm and how her tiny bottom fit in my hand so perfectly.  I struggled to turn her around so I could see her face as she was still attached via the umbilical cord.  I couldn't get her close enough until she was separate from me.   Her face all contorted with crying--so beautiful in her perfection.  Screaming--I'm here!  I'm here!  We are so glad you've come I whispered into her tiny perfect curving ear." 

So, the wisdom I see today is that line about "I couldn't get her close enough until she was separate from me."  This is our goal as parents, that they will one day fly without us.  She is here and grown into a beautiful and perfect as possible young woman, because of my mothering or in-spite of it.  It pains me still that separateness required and I hope there is not too much struggle for either of us as this naturally unfolds.  I plan to keep telling her how glad I am she came to this world as my daughter

Beauty and love

The following is a quote from Stealing Benefacio's Roses by Martin Prechtel.  If you haven't read anything by him...you will enjoy the beauty of his words and his descriptions of otherworldly things as well as this world. 
"It is about how long it takes to become a human being.  It seems to say that humans are most useful to the Universe when they are blessing, especially when the unblessed become the blessers and when humans give their gifts to what they can't see;  when they turn the failure and grief of their losses into

life-giving beauty and when they are in love"

We all have losses and grief and we all have the capacity to bless others and to love.

This being human, is challenging and beautiful and I'm so glad to be here now.

sweating

It is 4 o'clock in the morning and I'm sweating.  I know...so what?  you ask.  It is also June in Georgia.  We are all sweating.  I no longer have Cushing's and have been in remission for quite a long while.  But...Sweating makes me crazy!!  I think the constant sweating was my first symptom so many years ago.  I suppose it is some type of Post traumatic stress disorder response...sweating equals freak out for me.  So I'm up assessing my skin...is it too dark?...do I have too many zits? and assessing my fatigue...is it worse?...am I more forgetful??? ...do I have more trouble reading?...Is it coming back?  This is the fear I live with everyday.  I can't imagine what it must be like for people in remission from Cancer...every little something could be the thing coming back to kill you.  I mean, I really think I'm past the point where Cushing's itself could kill me...just make me miserable if it came back.  I freak out nonetheless.  Living in fear is not living fully.  It helps to verbalize that fact, so now I'm going back to bed to sleep in the comfort of knowing for today it isn't back.  Today, I will live fully.  Today, I am still well.

alone again

Alone Again---
but not quite--
I hear the soft snoring of my 2 dogs, ever present, ever loving me--no matter how many people come and go.  Still my dogs are here, ever faithful, loving without judgement or even compassion, just love you everyday for always even when no one else does.  I'm part of the pack, and that is the end of the story.  I wish people could love like that, with such permanence.

I have never sat down to ponder if my dog still loves me---not once.

wholeness

I marvel at your Wholeness
despite this landscape of scars.
Each scar of body and heart tells a story.
a reminder of some rite of passage.
Each story has made your edges softer,
your heart more open,
and gifted you with
Wisdom
and Beauty
and made you so completely whole.
a newborn wholeness,
this perfection of love,
luminous-love-light
so close to God.

mary oliver poem

I ask Percy How I should live my Life (ten)
(Percy is Mary Oliver's Dog)

Love, love, love, says Percy.
And run as fast as you can
along the shinning beach, or the rubble,
or the dust.



In memory of Maggie

 Then, go to sleep.
Give up your body heat,
your beating heart.

Then, trust.