Cushing'a awareness Month day 2

Actually day 3 but I missed the first one.
today, I'm going to talk about the emotional changes that have occurred.  I'm tired today, really tired.  I went out of town for Easter and I'm still recovering.  When I'm tired I'm a little labile emotionally.  I cry if I spill my water or if I've run out of coffee or if I'm not quite sure what day it is.  Tired makes everything harder and me more likely to cry.  I'm also grouchy and a bit unpredictable.  Like today, just playing really my daughter was driving me to meet friends (too tired to drive) and I poured a little water on her arm.  Why?  I don't know it seemed like a good idea, but really??? you shouldn't distract the driver.  I tell my daughter this, but the tired person I was...she doesn't listen to reason.  That is so embarrassing, and I can't believe I'm writing it down, but there it is, the ugly truth.  I guess I want you to understand that "tired" doesn't mean the same thing for me as it does for you. People will actually say, "oh your just tired, ...I'm so tired, I wish I could be disabled awhile.  It would be nice to lay in the bed."  I know they are just trying to make me feel better or perhaps they are a little jealous of my quiet time.  I would give anything, anything at all to participate more in the world as others do.
I cry like a 4 year old cries, when tired or hungry, or frustrated, or sometimes like a grown up grieving for the losses.  I take an antidepressant to help with the emotional ups and downs, but that middle part of my brain, the hypothalamus area that helps in judgement and emotions, that was in the path of the radiation, and was perhaps damaged by that a bit.  The doctors get all weird when you suggest that the treatment causes a problem.  Really!!  It's not like I would rather have Cushing's and I know that nothing comes without side effects.  About 2 years after radiation I had a neuro-psych evaluation and they gave me a lot of tests all day.  It was cool in a way to see all my brain problems mapped out exactly where the radiation and surgeries happened (arguably also where the tiny tumor lay).  It made it seem more real to me, I wasn't making this up.  My brain didn't work in these exact spots, all the tests showed it.  I felt like it wasn't that I didn't try hard enough, do my brain games enough, try to focus.  It was just fact.  I cried of course because i was disappointed that this is it.

life is still fun

Cushing's Awareness Month

Hello Friends and Neighbors,
This is Cushing's Awarness Month and the Cushing's self help Organization has challenged us all to blog something everyday in the month of April related to Cushing's.  I tried yesterday but somehow I accidentally created a new blog and erased it a couple of times.  So anyway, this will be today's topic...Cushing's messes up your brain!
  So I would like to start by saying how I loved my brain before Cushing's.  I was proud of it!  I could work for days as a nurse-midwife and still make good decisions in the middle of the night with little sleep and only little tubs of peanut butter and graham crackers for nutrition (oh and coffee).  I read scientific journals and kept notes about what I read.  In school, I could read something once and that was all that was required.  My ranking in school was always close to the top...in high school, in college and even grad school.  Now, well I just finished a book that I didn't figure out that I had read before until about halfway through.  I was actually so thrilled when I found the book in Underground books because I thought it was the only book by Lousie Erdrich that I had not read!  I was wrong but I enjoyed it the second time too or it could have been the third time...who knows?  I've started writing a list of what I've read so this doesn't happen as often.

I had Cushing's Disease from a pituitary microadenoma.  The pituitary is located in the middle of the brain and is the Boss of all things hormonal.  So...when it is not working properly ain't nothing right!  The tumor made a hormone that tells the adrenal glands to make more cortisol, I said "MAKE MORE CORTISOL!"  this is the fight or flight hormone....basically steroids.  It is the huge and constant production of cortisol that takes toll on your body and brain.  Muscle atrophy, high blood pressure, congestive heart failure, osteoporosis, diabetes, big belly (central obesity), skin changes, loss of short term memory, early menopause, thyroid dysfunction, depression, extreme fatigue, the list is huge and ridiculous.  Luckily I can't remember everything.
 We are going to focus on what the Doctors call, "cognitive changes".  This means you can't think.  This was the reason I quit working both times.  My job was dependent on quick thinking and decision making.  It is important to be "on top on your game" when delivering health care of any kind and especially the fast pace world of baby catching.  It was my calling, my life work to provide excellent care to women and babies at this important time in their lives.  When I realised their was a problem with my thinking I stopped working.  The first time, I realised my brain wasn't working when the endocrinologist gave me three words to remember and then asked me later in our visit what those words were.  I honestly didn't remember he had told me any words.  My friend who was with me started crying because obviously she remembered the words.  I called my office on the way home and told them I wasn't coming back to work until after my surgery.  Six weeks after surgery, I was still super fatigued and I only worked part time but my brain was back and I was thrilled.  I worked for three more years.  When the Cushing's recurred, I knew way before the tests showed that it was back.  I  decreased my hours because of the fatigue, I got to work early to take a nap before work , napped at lunch, and again before i could drive home.  One day, despite all my efforts, I had to look up a medication I gave daily like three times, and I struggled to remember even how to look it up at the end of the day.  I went to my primary care the next morning before work, and told her what happened and that I needed to apply for disability even before my next surgery.  She agreed and I didn't work again.  That was August 31, 2006.  A day doesn't go by that I don't mourn the loss of my career, experiencing the joy of brand new parents as they meet their baby the first time, the miracle of birth, caring for people in a real and meaningful way   I hated to leave but I couldn't risk not being on top of my game.
I had a surgery in 2003 to remove the tumor from my brain and another surgery in 2006 to remove 1/2 of my pituitary in hopes of getting all the tumor that was so small it was no longer visible but I was terribly sick.  The second surgery didn't work, so I had one day of very high dose radiation to the pituitary and surrounding areas in 2007.  This worked and the Cushing's is in remission even today!  I will always have this brain dysfunction.  They say you will get the most recovery of brain function in the first two years.  I did a lot of sudoku, when I couldn't read, I had picture books, then I moved up to kid books, then teen, and finally adult books again, but I can't always remember what I read.  When I get tired it's worse.  I don't drive after dark because I can't pay attention  or even after 6 really.  I can't have the radio on and do anything else.  I make a lot of lists and reminders on the door before I walk out.  I have a lot of help.  I'm not who I was, but I'm happy to be here and grateful to no longer have Cushing's.

birth remembered

Last night I had a beautiful dream of remembering.  This happens from time to time, I remember running like I used to years ago... feeling my legs work so well and so fast, the wind rushing through my hair.  It feels so real that maybe I should count it as exercise...that kind of remembering.  Last night's dream was that real, not just a mind exercise but a body and a heart remembering.  I delivered a baby last night, in my dream.  I felt the baby's sweet head gently push through into my hands, my hands remembering just what to do and then quick the shoulders and the rest of the tiny screaming pink newborn.  I could feel the joy of the parents as they wept a welcome to their baby I handed to them not 10 seconds old. I felt my heart broken open at the beauty of it all.  I woke up crying, sobbing actually when I realized I was not in the call room having actually experienced that birth, but rather in my own bed.  I felt sadness about the loss all over again, but mostly I felt such gratitude!  Gratitude for the dream of remembering so beautifully with my heart and hands the warmth of new life.  Gratitude for the over 800 times I was priveledged to be present for a new person coming in.  Gratitude to all those Women and men who trusted me to be there with them at that most precious and intimate time as the birth of their child.  Gratitude that at age 24, I was back in graduate school because I just couldn't wait to catch some babies. Life comes fast, so I need to remember to live everyday and get the good important work done, for tomorrow the assigment could be very different.  I don't want to miss today.  I feel embarassed sometimes because I run into folks that I delivered and I don't remember their name, because I don't remember stuff.  If you are one of those people know that my heart remembers and I thank you for the gift of being present for your birth, for it changed who I am.

years of magical thinking

I just read Joan Didion's biography entitled The Year of Magical Thinking.    It was so real, and raw about losing her spouse of forty years and her "pathological" grieving.  Pathological because she had irrational thoughts that he would come back.  She couldn't give his shoes away because he would need them, or like when she didn't want to do the obituary, because then he would be dead....Maybe in California he wasn't dead yet because he died in New York....and there is that time difference.  About midway through the book I had an ah-ha moment when I realized that this was me.  Except, I'm slow and have had years of pathological grieving of the old (pre-cushing's) Jamie.  That girl from before is really gone for good and no amount of keeping up with the medical journal articles on line, or yoga, or sudoku can bring her back.  I finally threw out my 6 White lab coats last year and let my midwifery license lapse.  This was actually a hard thing to do even though I haven't worked since 2006.  I had a little ceremony with my closest peeps to bury that old Jamie, maybe 2 years ago and that really helped but somehow, occasionally, I still long for her return.  I went to my old office the other day and everyone was glad to see me it seemed.  They all said I looked great and wanted to know if I was working.  It still breaks my heart that I can't do what I loved, or even anything that is worthy or valuable in the eyes of the world.  But somehow it is comforting to know that there was a time when I was useful to people.
I woke this morning realizing that this blog, with the intention to help others on their journey, perhaps was just for me.  To help me work through all this a realize that my "new life" is here to stay and that other one I must leave behind.  I see me as the mother elephant, walking around and around her dead infant, waiting for them to get up and join them again, until the stench makes it obvious even to the grieving mother that she should move on.  so..my friends I finally get it!  Moving on, again.  I hope not to have to circle around again.  I'm looking for meaning in this life after Cushing's.  I'm going to leave this blog here , in case some of the information is helpful, and if you would like to contact me my email is jamie.claygoddess@gmail.com.  I'll be around, living this life to the fullest as it is, but I will always have time to connect with you and help you on your journey as so many have helped me.  Wishing you Peace.

Murmuration

This is a link to an amazing little clip of a collection of starlings live and up close!  Everything makes me cry, and this virtual connection to nature of course made me cry.  such beauty in the world everyday....sometimes it is hard to remember if you listen to the news (I can't possibly watch the news and sleep!!  listening is hard enough.)  Enjoy!

http://vimeo.com/31158841

pituitary group

Hey,
All you fellow sufferers of pituitary illnesses,  My endocrinologist (pituitary specialist, neuro-endocrinologist) Dr Ioachimescu at Emory University is willing to sponsor a "support group" once or twice a year where we could have a speaker come talk about whatever we want related to pituitary stuff.  I am interested in cognitive changes associated with Cushing's disease, or a nutritionist to come and talk about how to manage weight loss with our endocrine deficits, or recover diet to gain muscle mass again, maybe physical therapist, or dealing with depression,,,oh so many options, even helping our families deal with us!   I need your ideas and suggestions.  Email me at jamie.claygoddess@gmail.com
i want to know:
1) what you want to talk about
2) when is a good time for you
3) how can I contact you to let you know when this is happening (no worries after Christmas)

PS If you live anywhere close to Atlanta and you have a pituitary issue, this Doc is for you.  I can't adequately express my appreciation for her expertise and throughness.  I have lived through endocrinologists that might know how to diagnose Cushing's but don't have a clue to do with you after the first surgery. Dr Ioachimescu gives caring and comprehensive care, even colaberates with my other doctors!  Amazing!  Dr Oyesiku, world famous neurosurgeon, specializing in pituitary as well is right there in the same office!  this is BEST!!!! 
here's their info
Adriana Ioachimescu, MD,PhD(neuroendocrinologist)
Dr Nelson Oyesiku MD, PhD (neurosurgeon)
1365 Clifton Road NE Auite B 2200
Atlanta, Ga 30322
 (404) 778-5770  

shortcuts to organized life

As you may know, Borders Bookstore went out of business.  This is a sad day for me because going to the bookstore has always been one of my favorite "date night" activities and now the library is closed more often also...so I feel the slow demise of books as I have treasured them.  Yes! I love my kindle (although right this minute it is MIA and I feel a little frantic about that) but books I treasure...something tangible and delightful. 

I digress...one of the good deals I got was a calendar so to speak called Totally Together by Stephanie O'Dea.  I adore it.  It gives you seven simple things to do each day to keep your house in order and then little hints to do each week.  This week, clean the ceiling fans.  That's it!  One simple little thing to do and then check off!  Even I can do this!  It's perfect for me small attainable goals that I can check off!  I think it would be perfect for anyone who is busy living their life and can't have all those things swimming around in your head all the time...schedule orthodontist appts,fold 14 loads of laundry, get the dog groomed, buy Christmas gifts, pay the bills,   all those things swimming around making me crazy.  This book puts it all in one place for me to check off.  Even menu planning!  Get one for yourself.
+make your beds right away
+do one complete load of laundry a day (this means start to in the drawers)
+empty all the garbage cans
+keep the kitchen sink empty
+Clean up after yourself right away (and encourage the kids and spouse to do the same)
+wipe the bathrooms down (don't let soap scum have time to settle...you don't even have to use cleaner for the daily wipe down)
+ten minute clean up before bed (set the timer...race with the kids...you will be amazed) 
http://totallytogetherjournal.com/author/stephanie/

post call life

Recently, I had dinner with one of my midwife friends and we had a great time catching up and talking about old times.  We talked about the beauty and sacredness of birth, we talked about how the beauty and sacredness of birth is frequently not honored in the current reality of medical care.  We talked about how hard it was to care for families in this atmosphere.  We talked about being on call for days and therefore not sleeping for days, not eating well, not taking good care of ourselves.  Today, when I woke up I felt as if I was "post call"  my whole body hurts, i'm so tired that deciding what is for breakfast was difficult...can't remember what's in the fridge, open it up and then can't remember if I looked in the fridge or what is in there.  Not a driving day.  Feeling a lot like I used to "post call", the only diffeerence is that I didn't do anything useful before to warrent post call status.  I didn't catch any babies, save any lives, or just make anyone's day better.  But, somehow I feel physically tired and emotionally taxed beyond what I can handle.  I just want to hole up here in my house, not talk to anyone, or see anyone, and I surely don't want anyone to need anything from me.  I want to have a day of self care... sleepy sleep, drink hot tea, eat what nourishes me, read (if I can focus well enough), be quiet, no phone, no TV.  So...my thought this morning was this is my life now...everyday "post call" , everyday should be a day of self care.  Not because I deserve it from any good deeds, but because we all devserve self love and self care.  If I didn't bring some joy to the world wouldn't God have granted me the right to leave this place?  So...today, no people, no noise, but tomorrow, self care will involve care of the body, the soul and some of my favorite people.  Make a list of things to care well for yourslef when you are having one of these days.  write it down and put it somewhere handy (like the inside of the cabinet where the coffee cups are...that way you are sure to see it when you are having one of these days)  Do at least one of those self care things everyday.  You are worth it.  You are loved by yourself and a lot of others too. 

connecting with the past

My friend's mother died recently.  I'm getting to the age where this happens with more frequency.  Each time a dear one loses a parent I'm hit anew with the possibility that it could happen to me.  To remain in this world without the One who has loved you best and absolutely unconditionally for the whole of your life ...I can't imagine how that must feel, the deep loneliness for this person, your mother or father.  A part of your very core being has left the planet is what I imagine it feels like.  When I was most sick, (as well as every other day of my life,) my parents have been ever present, always I know that I can depend on them if I need for anything...money, whether they have it to spare or not, if I need it then I will have it, random things like paper towels, or a box of taco mix....just when I need it and I have no $ to get it but wouldn't ask unless all the mac and cheese boxes were used up!  Always there to help , buying the child a coat every year, when she has outgrown the last one and all the back to school expenses piling up and there are my parents with the new beautiful coat or new shoes or whatever, taking good care of us all, like a personal fairy godmother/godfather.  My Dad fixing every house I've ever lived in, and repairing when I leave whatever damage my dogs have done.  He doesn't even have a dog but has become a professional in "after the dog repair".    For anyone to lose this magic from the planet makes me unbelievably sad.

My friend at her office

So this story began with my friend recently losing her mother.  Her mother was a magical woman of 90 with much life experience and zest for life that was inspiring for all.  She is missed by many but we understand that no one can live forever no matter how loved they are here.  It gets uncomfortable here in a body that is old and tired and I would not wish such suffering on anyone.  I happened to be out of town when my friends mother died and the funeral occurred.  I am not good in crowds, they makes me anxious but even still I wanted to be there with my friend (who also doesn't enjoy a crowd).  What could I offer her.  This week my friend asked me to repair a pillow that was hand embroidered by her great grandmother for her mother.  It is a beautiful work of birds and flowers and inside there was an old tired pillow and then to add some fluff after the pillow got too tired there were panty hose added around the edges and a small tag that said, "made especially for you by Granny".  How sweet to have hands on this gift of time and love that has passed down through the generations of my friend.  I could feel the loved imbued within this sacred and intimate object.  I felt such an honor to repair this pillow and glad there was something I could do, physically do, to honor my friend's mother and their connection and all of our connection to those we love and cherish.

Melanie and Her Mama

For Example

My family gave me a kindle for my birthday.  I adore it.  I can carry a load of books around with me in this cute little book size gadget.  I can have all these poems with me all the time as well as a couple of fiction and crossword puzzles.  Amazing. 

Anyway, continuing on my disabled and a little ticked theme here is a lovely poem about a rescue gull by Mary Oliver.

For Example

Okay, the broken gull let
me lift it
from the sand.

Let me fumble it into a
box, with the
lid open.
Okay, I put the box into
my car and started
up the highway
to the place where
sometimes, sometimes not,
such things can be mended.

the gull at first was quiet.
How everything turns out
one way or another, I
won't call it good or bad,
Just
one way or another.
Then the gull lurched from
the box and onto
the back of the front seat
and
punched me.
Okay, a little blood slid
down.
But we all know, don't we,
how sometimes
things have to feel anger,
so as not
    to be defeated?
I love this world, even in
its hard places.
A bird too must love this
world,
even in its hard places.
So, even  if the effort may
come to nothing,
you have to do something.

It was, generally speaking,
a perfectly beautiful
summer morning.
The gull beat the air with
its good wing.
I kept my eyes on the road.

Are you STILL disabled?

I got this letter in the mail the other day from the disability insurance company and it is time again to renew my disability.  I don't think that is how they worded it but basically, there are just checking to make sure I'm still unfit for work and not just kicked back, spending there money poolside, living large on their dollar.  OK, so I have some bitterness.  I understand really, some folks get better and that is great!  I got better too, some better, but just not all the way better.  I get a little angry, because if I could work....don't you think I would be doing just that!!!  I loved working!  I loved having purpose and meaning to my life.  It is my daily struggle to know I am a worthy human being without contributing to the economy and to the well being of others.  I wish more than anything that I could get up everyday and go to work, or just stay awake all day.  I wish I could drive all the way to my sister's house to visit her by myself.  I can only drive 30 minutes at a time because I forget that I'm driving after that.  This is a bit hazardous to others and after 4:30pm 30 minutes is a challenge to stay focused.  Sometimes, I can't read because the fatigue makes it too hard to pay attention.  I'm really happy most of the time.  I have family and friends who love me just like I am, a little brain damaged, sleepy like a four year old, and always in need of a ride.  I can still love folks well.  This makes me a worthy human being even though I can't go to work.  I'm not going to take it personally, the disability company and Social Security requiring me to say it again,  "I'm not well.  My brain doesn't Work right.  I can't work."  All my Doctors have to fill out the forms, so what am I whining about.  I guess it has taken me a long time to accept this is the way it is, that I have to practice acceptance all over again when these forms come in the mail.  Practice Acceptance.  OK, I get it.  http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/2018

tests AGAIN

Tests Freak me OUT!  I try to remain calm and pretend to not have anxiety.  Honestly, though, when I hit the door of the hospital and smell that particular smell of hospitals, I feel a little wave of nausea in anticipation of the fun ahead.  So... I try to avoid tests if at all possible.
Lately, I've been having chest pain with exertion.  It radiates down my left arm and travels up into my jaw, when I lay down it gets better.  So... I waited a few months, tried to will it away, just take it easy, surely, not cardiac related, although it really sounds like it.  I'm probably making it up.  I'm probably just freaking out about nothing.  If you were telling me this story, I would say, "Shut Up!!! and Go to the Hospital!!!"  Yes, but I have a history of being a medical person, so my denial is Bigger than yours.  So...I went to the Primary care doctor who of course sent me to cardiologist.  The cardiologist I was sure would sign me up for a stress test or some new labs.  My EKG was unchanged and she signed me up for a heart cath a few days later!  I tried to change my story and she laughed and said it was too late (and besides because of my memory problems I had conveniently written it all down for her so I could get my story straight).  Darn my organization.  Anyway, folks with a history of Cushing's they don't die of Cushing's in remission but rather the aftermath such as heart disease.  So...I supported her decision and caution and had a heart cath.  The heart cath was fine and the drugs were pretty good.  So now, having ruled out the scary stuff, there are more tests ahead to decide why the chest pain?  GI is likely because the same nerves innervate the heart and GI so the feeling is actually the same.  The heart doesn't have it's own set of nerves, which I think is fascinating. I am so relieved that I'm not going to die any minute (well I guess I might, but not from a heart attack) that I'm hesitant to go through the testing but I will, just slowly so I don't have to go to the hospital too often. 

So... what I want to say to you is don't be as stubborn a patient as me and do the important stuff right away.  You do have choices in your care but remember your care providers really are looking out for your best interest.  Give them the best information you can to make the best decisions with you. 

Having Nothing by Rumi (translation Coleman Barks)

dancing dervish

Whatever comes, comes from a need,
a sore distress, a hurting want.

Mary's pain made the baby Jesus.
Her womb opened its lips
and spoke the Word.

Every part of you has a secret language.
Your hands and your feet say what you have done.

Every need brings in what's needed.
Pain bears its cure like a child.

Having nothing produces provisions.
Ask a difficult question,
and the marvelous answer appears.

Build a ship, and there will be water
to float it.  The tender-throated infant cries,
and milk drips from the mother's breast.

Be thirsty for the ultimate water.
Then be ready for what will come
pouring from the spring.

This poem comes from the book A Year with Rumi by Coleman Barks.  I love this selection from May 22nd reading and I adore a little Rumi everyday...like vitamins for the soul.  Hardship brings the necessary healing.  This message makes life's hardships seem more purposeful.  Reminds me to have my "Biggie Gulp" cup ready at that spring.

silver buckets

To be in this world with you is a glorious thing.

I long to tell you about my hearts longing, my love, my connection to you and to all things here in this world and the next one too.

words used to come to me like a soft summer rain,

regular and gentle

I could easily gather them up in my mind in so many small silver buckets

then I would sort them lovingly into meaningful phrases that told my heart's story. 

Now, my heart lives in this beautiful place of overflowing love and gratitude. 

 The words are coming but so they are so inadequate for this kind of overflowing joy.  I don't have enough silver buckets in my mind. 

So... Don't worry about the words, my love.  Just come close and hold my hand, let's watch this love storm together, and share our hearts stories with no words.

a prayer

Let us be Grateful God

for our Daily Abundance
of Love and Nourishment

Our every need taken care of--
just like the sparrows

Thank you for this nourishment you have lovingly provided
from tiny seeds and sun and rain,

thank you for the farmers and the cooks who lovingly present your gifts to us. 
May we show our Gratitude by transforming this nourishment into Love again.

Erasure

This is a poem from 2007,  deep despair about the girl I lost...Me

Last year,
God tried to erase me
 but for some reason changed His mind.

a useless dark smudge on paper is
all that remains
the faint lines providing hints
of who stood here before.

When making corrections, First, please make the erasure complete.

Mamaw in a dream

My Mamaw came to me in a dream last night, as if for a visit and she brought me a basket of corn bread, still warm with butter inside, just like I like.  My Mamaw, so welcoming and so nourishing, and I could feel that unconditional love.  When I woke, I felt a bit overwhelmed when I thought of all the love and care I've received for no reason at all.  So much love that I can hardly take it all in.  God's love is like that.  Like warm cornbread with the butter already put inside by your sweet Grandma.  a nontraditional analogy for God's love but the one given to me in my dream.

Black crows

I keep looking up at the sky thinking that I see a flock of crows or something flying past.

It is just my eyes doing their radiation tricks- new vision- different vision

Little black holes- areas of empty space
where I can fly and be free
free of worries
because nothing matters
I am nothing but a bit of matter
returning to dust slowly over time
the vision occurs in the empty space
Black holes of time---

gifted to me again today.

yoga magic

Yoga is a delight!  The process and the results!  Delight is exactly what I feel when I'm shaking from exertion but still I can do it!  I can move my body and I can follow directions.  I'm getting stronger all the time.  Not that long ago I had difficulty making coffee because it was hard to remember the steps or to follow the directions.  I had to use a to-go cup because I couldn't pick up a real one without shaking and spilling it everywhere.  The first time I drank coffee out of a ceramic mug at the coffee shop my Mom had tears in her eyes because I could drink it like any other coffee junkie.  I can read grown up books now and play sudoku.  They said my brain damage was permanent, but they were wrong.  I'm not like I was, but I'm way better!!  I bow to my Yoga teacher for her assistance in this road to wellness.  Namaste.  (which means, the Light in me sees and honors the Light in you)

teenage years

So, I'm counting on the fact that my daughter doesn't read this blog.  so if you know her, for goodness sake don't tell her I'm talking about her here.  She said before that I can't put her picture on here and I can't use her name...so I am honoring that request.  now that the disclaimer is done...

My daughter is now 16 and a junior in high school.  I can see her fast approaching adulthood and leaving me so very soon.  I'm starting to have anxiety about if I prepared her well enough for the world.  When she was 8 years old, I taught her how to use the microwave and do laundry out of necessity, (she seems to have lost these skills as I have become more able to do it for her).  Since then there has always been a component of our relationship where she has taken care of me.   Mostly, I regret this, because as the Mom I feel like I didn't do my job as well as I would have liked,,,but also I try to remember that God chose me to be her Mom so maybe it was what she needed in life.  So..I was reading my journal entry from her 13th birthday to see if I had any wisdom to offer.
 "She was born 13 years ago today on a day much like this one, cold and rainy.  I remember holding her for the first time, all slippery and warm and how her tiny bottom fit in my hand so perfectly.  I struggled to turn her around so I could see her face as she was still attached via the umbilical cord.  I couldn't get her close enough until she was separate from me.   Her face all contorted with crying--so beautiful in her perfection.  Screaming--I'm here!  I'm here!  We are so glad you've come I whispered into her tiny perfect curving ear." 

So, the wisdom I see today is that line about "I couldn't get her close enough until she was separate from me."  This is our goal as parents, that they will one day fly without us.  She is here and grown into a beautiful and perfect as possible young woman, because of my mothering or in-spite of it.  It pains me still that separateness required and I hope there is not too much struggle for either of us as this naturally unfolds.  I plan to keep telling her how glad I am she came to this world as my daughter