The long term Cost

So, each day I feel grateful for remission.  I looked back in my journals to see when, exactly, this occurred and how I felt at the time, so I could share it with you.  It was January 15th, 2008 when Dr Oyesiku first said it was so.  I had radiation in June of 2007.  When I saw Dr Oyesiku on that day in January, I was afraid he would say the Cushing's was still there because I wasn't really feeling any better, still so fatigued and weak and not well by my standards (or anybody else's).  Still requiring a lot of help for daily living like food preparation and grocery shopping, driving, etc..  Dr O was so pleased that this remission happened so quickly, usually it takes at least 13 months.  My level of cortisol very low at that point and they would consider replacement if that continued and that would make me more "functional"---that is the word he used.  It was somehow reassuring to hear him say, that I wasn't functional...like that wasn't expected of me.  It isn't because I'm lazy and like to sleep or something but that anyone who has had their head drilled on a couple of times and this particular radiation and disease course is not expected to be "functional".  It helped me to be a little more compassionate with myself.  I told him about my memory and cognition.  I had to write it down in order to remember to tell him.  I was very worried that it would continue to worsen as the radiation continued to "rot the tumor and my brain".  He said, that it wasn't caused by the radiation but the long term effects of extremely high levels of cortisol on my brain.  There is actually shrinking of the brain, like when we age.  It is not reversible but it will likely not worsen.  Sad.  Very Sad.  I can't stop crying because I will now always be this way, Stupid, Useless, Really sad.  The sudden realization that "well" to the Doctors isn't "well" to me.  We have different definitions.  My definition is that I would somehow magically be who I was, a whole person able to contribute to the world in a meaningful way.  The  Doctors definition of being well is... breathing.  Simple. True somehow.  but not what I was going for.  Remission is good.  I'll adjust to the cost.  I'm still glad I'm here.