Making Friends

A couple of weeks ago, when I was having one of those days where I feel despondent about it all. 
You know where you say in your head (over and over again)...
I hate being stupid,
I hate being fat,
I hate my stretch marks,
I hate how my nose runs when I eat,
I hate being so tired,
I hate missing my child's softball games because they are too late in the evening. (you get the idea)
then , I came up with a new one

I hate how I haven't made any new friends since 2005 at the latest.  OMG!!! I didn't even realize this until that moment.
This realization increased my despondent feelings.  Luckily, almost all my friends are therapists, so I got right on the phone to my BFF and she came over and through my sobbing and drippy nose...she told me I was worthy of friendship, I was loved and all the good things about me, now...just like I am.  It is hard to take in sometimes that the new me is worthy of friendship because I'm not even sure I like her all the time, how can I expect it of other people.  I guess in my sadness, I thought all my beautiful "old" friends were just loving me for who I was before, "pity love" or something.  That is so ridiculous, I realize.  They are genuinely beautiful people who can see beyond all the above mentioned faults of mine.  If you are reading this, know that I cherish your friendship, appreciate your steadfastness through it all, I love you, so, so, so.

Why haven't I made any new friends?
Well, I'm quiet and reserved for fear I will say something stupid.  I also get easily distracted when there are more people, like in restaurants, or in yoga.  If I'm tired I get more anxious, and I might start to cry.  My "old friends" are used to this and are patient with me to get my thoughts together or just wait while I have my little tears, and the anxiety passes.  How can I have a new friend without requiring them to have a little "Jamie's oddities" course as a prerequisite?  I'm not sure yet, but I'm working on it.  The other day, I had lunch with a new potential friend and I was so anxious because there were people everywhere and I was having trouble focusing.  It was nice to try to be normal and she was so kind and gracious, and I didn't cry.  She walked me to the parking lot and I realized that I wasn't sure my car was there. I started to freak out because if I couldn't find my car I knew I would cry and how embarrassing.  When I step away from it, I think other people also can't remember where they parked their car,  it is probably not about me being "less than" others.   I just want to be able to be comfortable in my own skin again.  I think if I can manage that, new friends will happen without all the effort and fear.  If I can be less anxious then people will see that I'm funny and a good listener, and have a good heart.  I want to be seen for exactly who I am and loved.  It is what we all want.  I want to be that kind of friend, too.  I'm wishing that for you and for me.



"Friend, our closeness is this:
any where you put your foot,
feel me in the firmness under you."
Rumi