visiting my old life

"Let the Beauty we love be what we do."   Rumi

Yesterday, I went with a friend to the gynecologist.  Ok.  So I know that is weird, but it was an opportunity to be supportive of my friend and also an opportunity to visit my former work place.  In my "pre-Cushings" life I was a nurse-midwife.  A nurse-midwife is an advanced practice nurse (a RN with a Master's Degree and national certification), specializing in prenatal care, normal Gyn care, and normal births and postpartum care.  I adored being a nurse-midwife.  Because midwives specialize in normal, they have more time to focus on each individual patient needs in the normal birthing process, treating the whole person, the whole family unit as they transition to include a brand new person.  I loved being present for the whole pregnancy, getting to know the pregnant woman and her family and then being present at the birth, and postpartum time.  That level of continuity of care was so satisfying to me and also to my clients.  It was my identity, my place in the world to find meaning and feel like I made a difference, my "calling" so to speak.  Imagine, being able to witness new people coming into the world everyday.  Being a part of that Divine Moment of Birth Miracle....again and again,,,no better confirmation of God's existence and continual hope for humanity than brand new folks coming in all the time.  Mother Theresa said, "Every act of love is a work of peace no matter how small."  So that was my prayer every morning before I went to work, that I could share God's love by supporting women through this life transition and thereby bring a little more love, and a little more peace in the world.  Kind of like the "walmart greeter" of birth...greeting all the new beings coming my way with love and kindness. ( but I didn't have any smiley face stickers).  So... all this to say that my career as a nurse-midwife was the biggest loss of this Cushing's disease.  Going into my old office even now, 5 years later, is a little painful.  I don't cry on the way home anymore, but the loss is still palpable.  I feel an ache in my heart about not being able to do what I felt "called" to do.  I feel so useless on the planet without this identity, without a clear path to share God's love in small ways everyday.  I miss that ease of connection with Divine.  All I had to do was show up to work, and there were miracles, and easy ways to make another human more comfortable,,,a cup of juice, a back massage in labor, some kind words of guidance during transition.  Now, I'm not sure I make a difference on the planet.  This blog, I'm hopeful makes a difference, by telling my story, perhaps someone else will feel less alone in their journey.  You know this Cushing's thing sucks sometimes, because I'm not who I was, even though I'm "well".  But, on the other hand, I'm grateful for lessons learned through this ordeal.
Here's a list of a few lessons:
1) Life could be short. Live everyday well.
2) Love your people everyday.  Don't hold back.
3)  I am more than what I can do for people.  I still have worth as a human being.
4)  Being a Mom is the most important job I could ever have.
5)  My health and well being is really only up to me
6)  People are so beautiful.  So many loved ones, and even strangers have helped me through this with such kindness and beauty.  I'm so grateful for God's Love demonstrated through Human Hearts everyday.

If you want to learn more about nurse-midwives google ACNM (american college of Nurse-midwives).