I just read Joan Didion's biography entitled The Year of Magical Thinking. It was so real, and raw about losing her spouse of forty years and her "pathological" grieving. Pathological because she had irrational thoughts that he would come back. She couldn't give his shoes away because he would need them, or like when she didn't want to do the obituary, because then he would be dead....Maybe in California he wasn't dead yet because he died in New York....and there is that time difference. About midway through the book I had an ah-ha moment when I realized that this was me. Except, I'm slow and have had years of pathological grieving of the old (pre-cushing's) Jamie. That girl from before is really gone for good and no amount of keeping up with the medical journal articles on line, or yoga, or sudoku can bring her back. I finally threw out my 6 White lab coats last year and let my midwifery license lapse. This was actually a hard thing to do even though I haven't worked since 2006. I had a little ceremony with my closest peeps to bury that old Jamie, maybe 2 years ago and that really helped but somehow, occasionally, I still long for her return. I went to my old office the other day and everyone was glad to see me it seemed. They all said I looked great and wanted to know if I was working. It still breaks my heart that I can't do what I loved, or even anything that is worthy or valuable in the eyes of the world. But somehow it is comforting to know that there was a time when I was useful to people.
I woke this morning realizing that this blog, with the intention to help others on their journey, perhaps was just for me. To help me work through all this a realize that my "new life" is here to stay and that other one I must leave behind. I see me as the mother elephant, walking around and around her dead infant, waiting for them to get up and join them again, until the stench makes it obvious even to the grieving mother that she should move on. so..my friends I finally get it! Moving on, again. I hope not to have to circle around again. I'm looking for meaning in this life after Cushing's. I'm going to leave this blog here , in case some of the information is helpful, and if you would like to contact me my email is jamie.claygoddess@gmail.com. I'll be around, living this life to the fullest as it is, but I will always have time to connect with you and help you on your journey as so many have helped me. Wishing you Peace.
