sweating

It is 4 o'clock in the morning and I'm sweating.  I know...so what?  you ask.  It is also June in Georgia.  We are all sweating.  I no longer have Cushing's and have been in remission for quite a long while.  But...Sweating makes me crazy!!  I think the constant sweating was my first symptom so many years ago.  I suppose it is some type of Post traumatic stress disorder response...sweating equals freak out for me.  So I'm up assessing my skin...is it too dark?...do I have too many zits? and assessing my fatigue...is it worse?...am I more forgetful??? ...do I have more trouble reading?...Is it coming back?  This is the fear I live with everyday.  I can't imagine what it must be like for people in remission from Cancer...every little something could be the thing coming back to kill you.  I mean, I really think I'm past the point where Cushing's itself could kill me...just make me miserable if it came back.  I freak out nonetheless.  Living in fear is not living fully.  It helps to verbalize that fact, so now I'm going back to bed to sleep in the comfort of knowing for today it isn't back.  Today, I will live fully.  Today, I am still well.

alone again

Alone Again---
but not quite--
I hear the soft snoring of my 2 dogs, ever present, ever loving me--no matter how many people come and go.  Still my dogs are here, ever faithful, loving without judgement or even compassion, just love you everyday for always even when no one else does.  I'm part of the pack, and that is the end of the story.  I wish people could love like that, with such permanence.

I have never sat down to ponder if my dog still loves me---not once.

wholeness

I marvel at your Wholeness
despite this landscape of scars.
Each scar of body and heart tells a story.
a reminder of some rite of passage.
Each story has made your edges softer,
your heart more open,
and gifted you with
Wisdom
and Beauty
and made you so completely whole.
a newborn wholeness,
this perfection of love,
luminous-love-light
so close to God.

mary oliver poem

I ask Percy How I should live my Life (ten)
(Percy is Mary Oliver's Dog)

Love, love, love, says Percy.
And run as fast as you can
along the shinning beach, or the rubble,
or the dust.



In memory of Maggie

 Then, go to sleep.
Give up your body heat,
your beating heart.

Then, trust.

erosion

Life has eroded me
but somehow, I think it makes me more beautiful---
My edges smooth and soft

the scars
remind me
of my wholeness, that unshakable wholeness

some of the stretch marks
remind me
I gave birth to a most beautiful daughter who gives me back love and life
Others remind me that I can have big changes in my body and still somehow I am whole

My heart so full of scars that it makes a patchwork of old loves and losses
growing deeper with time
Erosion has made me soften, My heart more open and my love so pure,

My love of this day so wonderfully precious.

Inspiration Andy Goldsworthy

The first time I watched the documentary about Andy Goldsworthy I was in complete awe.  Each time I watch it I am again in awe.  This artist from Scotland who lives his everyday in connection with the earth in a deep and meaningful way.  His art is created using natural materials available where he is and is a gift to earth and naturally goes back to the earth.  He takes pictures to preserve his work for longer.  He built walls of stone, and leaves sewn together with thorns, and a round "hut" on the edge of the river and when the tide came in it floated away and ice arches that melt away.  For me this screamed of responding to how beautiful life is right now!   In this very moment!!!  Live It!!  Love It!! for tomorrow or even sooner it could wash down the river, because indeed that is the nature of life.  I tend to cling so tightly to my plans and get really mad when it doesn't go my way, or my perception of what is my way.  Sometimes nature has different ideas of how life should go and when I let go and trust...it all works out much prettier.

check out Andy's website and here are a few pictures to encourage you to do so.  Also the documentary Rivers and Tides can be streamed on netflix.

http://www.rwc.uc.edu/artcomm/web/w2005_2006/maria_Goldsworthy/TEST/index.html

Commitment and reliability

In my previous life I was reliable. I did not miss a single day of work prior to my Disability. This required spacing my patients at the office so I could lay down on the floor between them , going in early to do rounds so I could take a nap before I got started and another nap before going to the office. I was. Committed to my work and I was reliable. Finally, my employer agreed to let me just do day call and still all these special concession were required. Now, I'm less than reliable. This hurts my feelings somehow because I want to be reliable. I forget appointments even when I write them down, I promise to take my daughter somewhere and then when it is time I'm too tired and can't go. It makes me feel that I am not a good mother or a good anything. I shirk away from any responsibility now, I don't volunteer as band parent because I don't follow through. I hate being unreliable so I just don't participAte. I'm making the commitment today to participate fully as I can and just bail when I have to for my well being and tell people why.

poem by Lorie

Jamie Has nothing
And gives it away like gold.

Our eager arms
Gather the weightless gifts

Like sea waves washing
over us
With Healing kisses
is her heart's work.

This poem written by my friend and fellow midwife, makes me feel like my humanness is enough.

a day in the park

In this blog I'm re-living this life via my journals and not even in order...because I'm not that organized.  Today, I read an entry from a visit to my "sacred place" in the park shortly after confirmation of the recurrence of Cushing's.  I have a special place by the creek at the Kennestone Battlefield park in Powder springs, a few miles from where we used to live.  It is a beautiful spot, with plenty of big rocks to lay on and overhanging trees, lovely sounds of water over rocks.  In this spot I prayed often, when we lived there.  Even now, whenever I visit my primary care doctor, I try to go to this special place and connect again with Divine in this place.  It feels like going to church to me.  When you climb over that first big rock and are near the creek, you feel like you have entered a most sacred site.  I love the constant sound of the water and seeing the shower of leaves fall as the breeze goes by in October,  it is so quiet here with no man-made sounds.  So... here's the journal entry excerpt October 2, 2005:
I brought my candle today to the sacred place by the creek, and my purpose is to sit with this recurrence and listen for the message.  I think the message is to work less.  My life from here on our must be different.  The "cure" rate is only 50% with this second surgery but with more pituitary gone, even if I'm "cured" my life will not be "normal" again.  OK I get it now.  Cushing's  is not merely a chapter in my life but a continued theme in my life.  Deep breath.  I will be taken care of and it will fall into place.  I would like to have some say in the planning of my life, but I can't seem to figure that our either because there are too many If's and When's.  How can I care for myself best?  How will I have an income?  What will I be able to do?  I'm sure there are choices.  Always a job has been gifted to me--everytime the perfect one.  I'm reminded of a Sufi song,
"I'm opening up in sweet surrender to the luminous love light of the One.
 I'm opening.
I'm opening
 I'm opening."
I trust I will be given what is needed to serve Divine.  I'm here ---God, such as I am.
Use me as you will
Help me to follow my heart without fighting so hard.
Peace today.
Joy everyday.
Live each day well and with gratitude.

these are my prayers.  

love dream for Gary

FOR GARY



this morning I awake from a dream

of you touching my face so gently

with your fingertips

whispering of your love

for me-

Beautiful love

But...

it is only a dream

the memories of you have faded

the smell of your skin

the exact color of your eyes

the curve of your back

I can no longer recall.

I'm left with only

my beautifully lonely dreams.

Today would be Gary's 59th birthday.  I miss him still.



visiting my old life

"Let the Beauty we love be what we do."   Rumi

Yesterday, I went with a friend to the gynecologist.  Ok.  So I know that is weird, but it was an opportunity to be supportive of my friend and also an opportunity to visit my former work place.  In my "pre-Cushings" life I was a nurse-midwife.  A nurse-midwife is an advanced practice nurse (a RN with a Master's Degree and national certification), specializing in prenatal care, normal Gyn care, and normal births and postpartum care.  I adored being a nurse-midwife.  Because midwives specialize in normal, they have more time to focus on each individual patient needs in the normal birthing process, treating the whole person, the whole family unit as they transition to include a brand new person.  I loved being present for the whole pregnancy, getting to know the pregnant woman and her family and then being present at the birth, and postpartum time.  That level of continuity of care was so satisfying to me and also to my clients.  It was my identity, my place in the world to find meaning and feel like I made a difference, my "calling" so to speak.  Imagine, being able to witness new people coming into the world everyday.  Being a part of that Divine Moment of Birth Miracle....again and again,,,no better confirmation of God's existence and continual hope for humanity than brand new folks coming in all the time.  Mother Theresa said, "Every act of love is a work of peace no matter how small."  So that was my prayer every morning before I went to work, that I could share God's love by supporting women through this life transition and thereby bring a little more love, and a little more peace in the world.  Kind of like the "walmart greeter" of birth...greeting all the new beings coming my way with love and kindness. ( but I didn't have any smiley face stickers).  So... all this to say that my career as a nurse-midwife was the biggest loss of this Cushing's disease.  Going into my old office even now, 5 years later, is a little painful.  I don't cry on the way home anymore, but the loss is still palpable.  I feel an ache in my heart about not being able to do what I felt "called" to do.  I feel so useless on the planet without this identity, without a clear path to share God's love in small ways everyday.  I miss that ease of connection with Divine.  All I had to do was show up to work, and there were miracles, and easy ways to make another human more comfortable,,,a cup of juice, a back massage in labor, some kind words of guidance during transition.  Now, I'm not sure I make a difference on the planet.  This blog, I'm hopeful makes a difference, by telling my story, perhaps someone else will feel less alone in their journey.  You know this Cushing's thing sucks sometimes, because I'm not who I was, even though I'm "well".  But, on the other hand, I'm grateful for lessons learned through this ordeal.
Here's a list of a few lessons:
1) Life could be short. Live everyday well.
2) Love your people everyday.  Don't hold back.
3)  I am more than what I can do for people.  I still have worth as a human being.
4)  Being a Mom is the most important job I could ever have.
5)  My health and well being is really only up to me
6)  People are so beautiful.  So many loved ones, and even strangers have helped me through this with such kindness and beauty.  I'm so grateful for God's Love demonstrated through Human Hearts everyday.

If you want to learn more about nurse-midwives google ACNM (american college of Nurse-midwives).