For Example

My family gave me a kindle for my birthday.  I adore it.  I can carry a load of books around with me in this cute little book size gadget.  I can have all these poems with me all the time as well as a couple of fiction and crossword puzzles.  Amazing. 

Anyway, continuing on my disabled and a little ticked theme here is a lovely poem about a rescue gull by Mary Oliver.

For Example

Okay, the broken gull let
me lift it
from the sand.

Let me fumble it into a
box, with the
lid open.
Okay, I put the box into
my car and started
up the highway
to the place where
sometimes, sometimes not,
such things can be mended.

the gull at first was quiet.
How everything turns out
one way or another, I
won't call it good or bad,
Just
one way or another.
Then the gull lurched from
the box and onto
the back of the front seat
and
punched me.
Okay, a little blood slid
down.
But we all know, don't we,
how sometimes
things have to feel anger,
so as not
    to be defeated?
I love this world, even in
its hard places.
A bird too must love this
world,
even in its hard places.
So, even  if the effort may
come to nothing,
you have to do something.

It was, generally speaking,
a perfectly beautiful
summer morning.
The gull beat the air with
its good wing.
I kept my eyes on the road.

Are you STILL disabled?

I got this letter in the mail the other day from the disability insurance company and it is time again to renew my disability.  I don't think that is how they worded it but basically, there are just checking to make sure I'm still unfit for work and not just kicked back, spending there money poolside, living large on their dollar.  OK, so I have some bitterness.  I understand really, some folks get better and that is great!  I got better too, some better, but just not all the way better.  I get a little angry, because if I could work....don't you think I would be doing just that!!!  I loved working!  I loved having purpose and meaning to my life.  It is my daily struggle to know I am a worthy human being without contributing to the economy and to the well being of others.  I wish more than anything that I could get up everyday and go to work, or just stay awake all day.  I wish I could drive all the way to my sister's house to visit her by myself.  I can only drive 30 minutes at a time because I forget that I'm driving after that.  This is a bit hazardous to others and after 4:30pm 30 minutes is a challenge to stay focused.  Sometimes, I can't read because the fatigue makes it too hard to pay attention.  I'm really happy most of the time.  I have family and friends who love me just like I am, a little brain damaged, sleepy like a four year old, and always in need of a ride.  I can still love folks well.  This makes me a worthy human being even though I can't go to work.  I'm not going to take it personally, the disability company and Social Security requiring me to say it again,  "I'm not well.  My brain doesn't Work right.  I can't work."  All my Doctors have to fill out the forms, so what am I whining about.  I guess it has taken me a long time to accept this is the way it is, that I have to practice acceptance all over again when these forms come in the mail.  Practice Acceptance.  OK, I get it.  http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/2018

tests AGAIN

Tests Freak me OUT!  I try to remain calm and pretend to not have anxiety.  Honestly, though, when I hit the door of the hospital and smell that particular smell of hospitals, I feel a little wave of nausea in anticipation of the fun ahead.  So... I try to avoid tests if at all possible.
Lately, I've been having chest pain with exertion.  It radiates down my left arm and travels up into my jaw, when I lay down it gets better.  So... I waited a few months, tried to will it away, just take it easy, surely, not cardiac related, although it really sounds like it.  I'm probably making it up.  I'm probably just freaking out about nothing.  If you were telling me this story, I would say, "Shut Up!!! and Go to the Hospital!!!"  Yes, but I have a history of being a medical person, so my denial is Bigger than yours.  So...I went to the Primary care doctor who of course sent me to cardiologist.  The cardiologist I was sure would sign me up for a stress test or some new labs.  My EKG was unchanged and she signed me up for a heart cath a few days later!  I tried to change my story and she laughed and said it was too late (and besides because of my memory problems I had conveniently written it all down for her so I could get my story straight).  Darn my organization.  Anyway, folks with a history of Cushing's they don't die of Cushing's in remission but rather the aftermath such as heart disease.  So...I supported her decision and caution and had a heart cath.  The heart cath was fine and the drugs were pretty good.  So now, having ruled out the scary stuff, there are more tests ahead to decide why the chest pain?  GI is likely because the same nerves innervate the heart and GI so the feeling is actually the same.  The heart doesn't have it's own set of nerves, which I think is fascinating. I am so relieved that I'm not going to die any minute (well I guess I might, but not from a heart attack) that I'm hesitant to go through the testing but I will, just slowly so I don't have to go to the hospital too often. 

So... what I want to say to you is don't be as stubborn a patient as me and do the important stuff right away.  You do have choices in your care but remember your care providers really are looking out for your best interest.  Give them the best information you can to make the best decisions with you.