today, I'm going to talk about the emotional changes that have occurred. I'm tired today, really tired. I went out of town for Easter and I'm still recovering. When I'm tired I'm a little labile emotionally. I cry if I spill my water or if I've run out of coffee or if I'm not quite sure what day it is. Tired makes everything harder and me more likely to cry. I'm also grouchy and a bit unpredictable. Like today, just playing really my daughter was driving me to meet friends (too tired to drive) and I poured a little water on her arm. Why? I don't know it seemed like a good idea, but really??? you shouldn't distract the driver. I tell my daughter this, but the tired person I was...she doesn't listen to reason. That is so embarrassing, and I can't believe I'm writing it down, but there it is, the ugly truth. I guess I want you to understand that "tired" doesn't mean the same thing for me as it does for you. People will actually say, "oh your just tired, ...I'm so tired, I wish I could be disabled awhile. It would be nice to lay in the bed." I know they are just trying to make me feel better or perhaps they are a little jealous of my quiet time. I would give anything, anything at all to participate more in the world as others do.
I cry like a 4 year old cries, when tired or hungry, or frustrated, or sometimes like a grown up grieving for the losses. I take an antidepressant to help with the emotional ups and downs, but that middle part of my brain, the hypothalamus area that helps in judgement and emotions, that was in the path of the radiation, and was perhaps damaged by that a bit. The doctors get all weird when you suggest that the treatment causes a problem. Really!! It's not like I would rather have Cushing's and I know that nothing comes without side effects. About 2 years after radiation I had a neuro-psych evaluation and they gave me a lot of tests all day. It was cool in a way to see all my brain problems mapped out exactly where the radiation and surgeries happened (arguably also where the tiny tumor lay). It made it seem more real to me, I wasn't making this up. My brain didn't work in these exact spots, all the tests showed it. I felt like it wasn't that I didn't try hard enough, do my brain games enough, try to focus. It was just fact. I cried of course because i was disappointed that this is it.
life is still fun
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