tests AGAIN

Tests Freak me OUT!  I try to remain calm and pretend to not have anxiety.  Honestly, though, when I hit the door of the hospital and smell that particular smell of hospitals, I feel a little wave of nausea in anticipation of the fun ahead.  So... I try to avoid tests if at all possible.
Lately, I've been having chest pain with exertion.  It radiates down my left arm and travels up into my jaw, when I lay down it gets better.  So... I waited a few months, tried to will it away, just take it easy, surely, not cardiac related, although it really sounds like it.  I'm probably making it up.  I'm probably just freaking out about nothing.  If you were telling me this story, I would say, "Shut Up!!! and Go to the Hospital!!!"  Yes, but I have a history of being a medical person, so my denial is Bigger than yours.  So...I went to the Primary care doctor who of course sent me to cardiologist.  The cardiologist I was sure would sign me up for a stress test or some new labs.  My EKG was unchanged and she signed me up for a heart cath a few days later!  I tried to change my story and she laughed and said it was too late (and besides because of my memory problems I had conveniently written it all down for her so I could get my story straight).  Darn my organization.  Anyway, folks with a history of Cushing's they don't die of Cushing's in remission but rather the aftermath such as heart disease.  So...I supported her decision and caution and had a heart cath.  The heart cath was fine and the drugs were pretty good.  So now, having ruled out the scary stuff, there are more tests ahead to decide why the chest pain?  GI is likely because the same nerves innervate the heart and GI so the feeling is actually the same.  The heart doesn't have it's own set of nerves, which I think is fascinating. I am so relieved that I'm not going to die any minute (well I guess I might, but not from a heart attack) that I'm hesitant to go through the testing but I will, just slowly so I don't have to go to the hospital too often. 

So... what I want to say to you is don't be as stubborn a patient as me and do the important stuff right away.  You do have choices in your care but remember your care providers really are looking out for your best interest.  Give them the best information you can to make the best decisions with you. 

Having Nothing by Rumi (translation Coleman Barks)

dancing dervish

Whatever comes, comes from a need,
a sore distress, a hurting want.

Mary's pain made the baby Jesus.
Her womb opened its lips
and spoke the Word.

Every part of you has a secret language.
Your hands and your feet say what you have done.

Every need brings in what's needed.
Pain bears its cure like a child.

Having nothing produces provisions.
Ask a difficult question,
and the marvelous answer appears.

Build a ship, and there will be water
to float it.  The tender-throated infant cries,
and milk drips from the mother's breast.

Be thirsty for the ultimate water.
Then be ready for what will come
pouring from the spring.

This poem comes from the book A Year with Rumi by Coleman Barks.  I love this selection from May 22nd reading and I adore a little Rumi everyday...like vitamins for the soul.  Hardship brings the necessary healing.  This message makes life's hardships seem more purposeful.  Reminds me to have my "Biggie Gulp" cup ready at that spring.

silver buckets

To be in this world with you is a glorious thing.

I long to tell you about my hearts longing, my love, my connection to you and to all things here in this world and the next one too.

words used to come to me like a soft summer rain,

regular and gentle

I could easily gather them up in my mind in so many small silver buckets

then I would sort them lovingly into meaningful phrases that told my heart's story. 

Now, my heart lives in this beautiful place of overflowing love and gratitude. 

 The words are coming but so they are so inadequate for this kind of overflowing joy.  I don't have enough silver buckets in my mind. 

So... Don't worry about the words, my love.  Just come close and hold my hand, let's watch this love storm together, and share our hearts stories with no words.

a prayer

Let us be Grateful God

for our Daily Abundance
of Love and Nourishment

Our every need taken care of--
just like the sparrows

Thank you for this nourishment you have lovingly provided
from tiny seeds and sun and rain,

thank you for the farmers and the cooks who lovingly present your gifts to us. 
May we show our Gratitude by transforming this nourishment into Love again.

Erasure

This is a poem from 2007,  deep despair about the girl I lost...Me

Last year,
God tried to erase me
 but for some reason changed His mind.

a useless dark smudge on paper is
all that remains
the faint lines providing hints
of who stood here before.

When making corrections, First, please make the erasure complete.

Mamaw in a dream

My Mamaw came to me in a dream last night, as if for a visit and she brought me a basket of corn bread, still warm with butter inside, just like I like.  My Mamaw, so welcoming and so nourishing, and I could feel that unconditional love.  When I woke, I felt a bit overwhelmed when I thought of all the love and care I've received for no reason at all.  So much love that I can hardly take it all in.  God's love is like that.  Like warm cornbread with the butter already put inside by your sweet Grandma.  a nontraditional analogy for God's love but the one given to me in my dream.

Black crows

I keep looking up at the sky thinking that I see a flock of crows or something flying past.

It is just my eyes doing their radiation tricks- new vision- different vision

Little black holes- areas of empty space
where I can fly and be free
free of worries
because nothing matters
I am nothing but a bit of matter
returning to dust slowly over time
the vision occurs in the empty space
Black holes of time---

gifted to me again today.